Trump’s fake Bible

Listening in on the presidential musings after his photo-op

After returning to the White House following his walk to St John’s Episcopal Church on Monday where he held a Bible aloft for cameras, President Trump put in a call to Ferry Jalwell, Jr., the president of Freedom University. We have obtained a transcript of that call. 

Trump: Hello, Ferry, you know what I did today?

Jalwell: I saw it on TV! Amazing leadership. Every real American thought you were so brave to walk out of the White House, surrounded by only a few thousand heavily armed police, to cross through the fumes of the tear gas fired by those low-life protestors to St John’s Church. What went through your mind as you prayed in that place of worship? Were you asking for guidance and strength?

Trump: I wasn’t in the church. I just stood in front of it for a minute for the cameras. And I surely don’t need guidance. I never have, and look how well I have done! And I don’t need strength either. I have plenty of it.  Plenty of strength. Those Democrat governors, they are the ones who need strength. What a bunch of jerks.

Jalwell: You were certainly bold in showing your commitment to the Bible.

Trump: You are so right. I love the Bible. Everything about it. It took us a minute to find one over at the White House. We finally got one from a lady who irons Melania’s clothes. She’s from the Philippines. I think. They have such a beautiful president there – there’s a guy who knows something about projecting strength!

Jalwell: So tell the true Christians of America – what are your favorite bible verses?

Trump: I love all of them. Every one. But – here’s some big news – someone in the White House is a Democrat spy! When I went back to the Oval – that’s my office, weird shape – I found a Bible, and it was totally fake!

Jalwell: What do you mean?

Trump: It described Jesus in ways that made him seem like as a spineless wimp. That’s totally wrong. Jesus was a man’s man. He was a huge military leader with thousands of angels ready to kick anyone’s ass. Though, when you think about it, I have super-duper missiles and he didn’t have any, so I am much stronger that he ever was.

Jalwell: Well, that’s…

Trump: And this fake Bible said that Jesus was a Jew! How could the founder of one religion be part of another religion? That doesn’t make sense. Don’t get me wrong, I love Jews. My daughter even married one, and he turned out not to be so bad.

I thought they had just messed with the last part, the New Testimony.  But they also stuck fake stuff in the parts in the Old Testimony written by those guys named Amos and Jeremiah – Amish people, I guess. My fake copy said God wants us to welcome strangers! Who the hell does that? You can’t let strangers into your house! They would just steal stuff and get germs all over the place.

Jalwell: Yeah, I try never to preach about that part.

Trump:  They have cut out Jesus’s words about letting people have it if they come after you. I know it’s in there somewhere. In this one it says that when somebody hurts you, you are supposed to turn the other cheek. Who does that? My motto, which I have repeated many, many times is that if you go after me, I go after you 10 times harder. Sort of like God. Remember he wiped out Sodom by pouring salt on the city so everyone shriveled up like slugs. I might try that with Congress.

Jalwell:  God definitely wants us to crush our enemies.

Trump: I know! That’s why the Big Guy made me president! Not that I needed any help. I am the chosen one. Always was. That’s why ladies have always loved me — that and because God really endowed me, if you know what I am saying. But the final thing that shocked me was that Jesus blew his lead in the polls. The one time I went to church as a boy we walked around with these long green leaves, like in Florida, with the coconuts, and we talked about how great it was that Jesus was king. That’s the way the real story ends.

Jalwell:  Well, he died first.

Meet the Author
Trump: No, you are wrong. That was in my fake Bible, but it’s not true. The real Jesus knew he was right and then went out and crushed his enemies. The one I was reading said that he got beat up, dragged around, and then killed. I prefer saviors who don’t get crucified. No one would follow a religion where the top guy is such a complete loser. That’s why people are going to love me for thousands of years. They will always remember what kind of guy I really was.

Bob Massie was ordained as an Episcopal minister in 1982, and taught for seven years at Harvard Divinity School. He then created or led several national organizations committed to economic and climate justice and was a Democratic candidate for governor of Massachusetts in 2018. He is co-host of the video podcast “Creating the World We Want”.